Introduction and a brief insight into my fucked up head!

INTRODUCTION AND A BIT ABOUT ME

For years I have been consumed by the desire to be as strong as is physically possible; to the extent that in my own mind it is like a journey towards glory and immortality.    Before getting injured badly (ACL tear - more on this later) I considered myself unbreakable to a point and as a result overlooked several things that could have made me a better lifter.  The desire to be strong controlled all areas of my life.  I would not miss a meal for years on end for anything, would only choose jobs that suited the lifestyle and haven't touched a drop of alcohol for over 4 years.  To me, lifting bigger weights every week was literally ALL that mattered.  I would have even gladly sacrificed my health if it meant a couple of extra kilos on the bar.  Around the time I got injured, my resting heart rate was pretty damn close to 100 beats per minute and I was 150kg at 5'8''.  Indeed if I had not got injured I would still be eating 10000-12000 calories per day and nothing would have changed.  You may ask at this point if it was all about competition against others and desire to win.  To a degree, yes.  It was great going to bench press competitions knowing I was going to win and beat my own records in the process.  However above all this for some reason I believed pursuing something relentlessly made me better than the rest of society.  I believed being focused on being as strong as possible would eventually lead to some kind of glory when I 'got there'.  I think that given the nature of my mentality 'getting there' would have been impossible, for example when I first managed to bench press 220kg I considered myself weak because I was unable to do 240kg and so on.  The video shows my pressing 245kg raw and paused, my all time PB.

ACL TEAR THAT NEARLY DESTROYED ME

 In January 2014, I attempted a 180kg log press.  I was pursuing the current British record of 195kg.  The fact that there were other people in the country that were stronger than myself actually affected my ability to sleep at night and fueled a form of self-hate.  This was a record I believed myself capable of, having succeeded to press a 170kg log without using any leg drive.  The 180kg log attempt set me off balance, resulting in a full ACL rupture, aswell as an MCL tear and severe damage to the meniscus.  I thought when I did it that life was literally over.  For years I had done nothing but lift heavy weights, focused on nothing apart from lifting, and now, I could no longer do it.  I also believed before I attained this injury that I was unbreakable and that something like this would never happen to me because I am genetically and physically superior to others.  As a result of this I ignored the need for prehab, stretching, rehab, rest, soft tissue work and so on.  

Click here to watch the injury from the log press

As of the time of writing this I am awaiting a surgery date, the good news is that it is fixable and I will lift heavy again in time.  Patience is something that I have never had, and this is going to be a test.

WHAT'S NEXT FOR ME?

While I am away from heavy weights injured, I decided to start a new journey.  One that will be tougher than anything I have done in the past.  My goals are to re-train my mind in order to be a better lifter when I do return, get lean and healthy for the first time in years and succeed in getting my knee full rehabbed and myself able to squat and deadlift again.  I am confident I will achieve all of these in 2014 and my progress in these areas will be the focus of this blog.  I am also going to discuss how mental issues affect training and sport performance in general, as this is what has done me the most good and the most harm over the years.  The very same mentality that can make you succeed can also destroy you from the inside out.